“You being in good health is wealth for your children:” Getting to know ParentCorps Farzana Karim

Farzana Karim is one of ParentCorps’ behind-the-scenes extraordinaires. She helps make sure everything runs as it ought to – for instance, reviewing materials and ensuring that ParentCorps puppets, posters, manuals, etc. make it to schools on time so that teaching teams, mental health professionals, and coaches have everything they need to successfully implement Friends School and Parenting Programs. 

Farzana comes from a working class family that immigrated to Queens, NY from Bangladesh when she was very young. Her mom, dad, and older sister remain deeply rooted in Queens – her parents live in the same apartment building she grew up in, while she and her husband and soon-to-be-baby live not too far away. 

At ParentCorps, Farzana’s work is guided by a deep belief that in order for children to do their best, we first have to support parents and caregivers – especially those working through the challenges and joys of parenting in a new place. 

This Q&A has been edited and condensed for clarity. 

Clarissa: Tell me about your professional background. 

Farzana: I have a Masters of Public Health in prevention and community health, and specifically maternal and child health. After grad school, I did violence prevention work with domestic violence survivors – children of domestic violence survivors. It was in the age group 7 to 11, also with teens and young adults. It was really heavy. 

Clarissa: Were there parts of that work that felt especially meaningful?

Farzana: So many parts felt meaningful. Seeing survivors actually come to terms with their worth and their strength and resilience and make the difficult decision to leave a situation that was not good for them – it was specifically a South Asian domestic violence organization, serving South Asians, and it's a big deal. Nobody wants “broken families,” and they want to prioritize having both parents because they feel like that's best for their children. Many women are financially dependent on their spouses and feel like they can't see a future without them. But there's a light bulb moment where they realize that staying in an abusive relationship is doing their children more harm than good, and that the best thing that they could do for their children is to leave, and allow their children to be in a safer place.

Clarissa: How did you transition from that role to ParentCorps?

Farzana: ParentCorps was doing focus groups at that time about its Parenting Programs, and there was this one site that had a lot of caregivers who were Bengali, not too far from where I grew up. [Sharmin Hoque, ParentCorps' Digital Products Manager] asked me to join to help transcribe the interviews.

This was the end of their program, and I was really surprised to learn about the strategies that they had learned and taken home. There was one Bengali mom who gave us feedback – at that time, our program was 14 sessions, and self-care was one of the last sessions. I think it was the last or second-to-last, and she was like, “You need to be talking about self-care at the very beginning, not at the end, because I realized I'm so stressed all the time and if I don't take care of myself, then I'm angry and I have a hard time with the kids, I have a hard time with my husband. And finding time for myself and making that a priority is really helpful. Parents always think about sacrifice. All they need to do is sacrifice for their children, and they sacrifice themselves, but it's not helpful.” 

And I was like, man, she really hit the nail on the head. Then a few months later, I was like, [to Sharmin], “What is this organization you work for?” Then she let me know that they were expanding and hiring, and that's how I got into ParentCorps. 

Clarissa: You said it was surprising to hear that feedback from one of the moms – I'm curious if you could say more about what was surprising.

Farzana: It was surprising because it's not really something that I feel like Bengali moms verbalize. The norm is to be a martyr. You do things no matter what. It doesn't matter if you're sick. You take care of your children and your family, and that's your priority. You come last. So it was surprising for me to hear that out loud, that this is a conversation that they had where she actually took it in. It wasn't a strategy that was necessarily for the child. It was a strategy that was for her so that she could implement the strategies to improve her parenting, and ultimately, support her whole family.

Clarissa: That sounds similar to me to what you were describing as the light bulb moments that moms would have when they were like, Okay, I have to leave this relationship to take care of myself and to take care of my kids in the most effective way. I don't know if that feels similar to you?

Farzana: It is. It's really hard for moms to put themselves first when they've been socialized to believe and perform that they have these duties as a mom and a wife.

Clarissa: I'm curious to hear about the connection that you see between the work that you did at the domestic violence organization and this work now? Obviously, it's a broader population, and it's a step back in terms of direct service, but what are the throughlines that you see?

Farzana: Parenting in a different country. A lot of the women we were working with [at the domestic violence organization] were immigrants. Parenting in a different country is very different from parenting back home. It's very individualistic here. They don't have the same community. There's a lot of isolation, and they're just in need of more support. So I used to get a lot of questions about parenting strategies and the things that they could do to help their children cope. And, no matter where you're from, if you're a parent, you want the best for your child. 

Clarissa: I'm curious how you saw your parents form community in this place that they were new to when you were growing up? How did you see them either experience isolation or work against isolation, and how does that influence your work?

Farzana: I feel like my mom, because she was home, she was very involved in my school life. She was a chaperone for all the school trips – I was in middle school and she was still coming to my trips… There was an ESL class in my elementary school. My mom was involved, got to know other Bengali parents, other South Asians. It was a really big immigrant community, so there were multicultural nights and all these events, and that's just how she made a lot of mom friends. And the things that they had in common was culture and having kids in the same place. 

When we were here, when we came, there weren't that many Bengali families. The population significantly increased later in the '90s. And because we had been here for so long, we were like an intro family. We'd introduce new families to other people, my parents would try to help them find a place to live. Still, it was isolating for sure. Back in the day, it was so expensive to even talk on the phone to your family. We used to write letters, I remember getting cards which would take months to come. I don't think it was easy. My mom has a brother who lives in Boston, and we would go there for summer and winter, so that was the closest blood family we had. But then all of their friends here just became family.

Clarissa: So when you reflect on your childhood, it sounds like in a lot of ways, you had an experience like the one we're hoping that families and kids have at school, where families feel welcomed and connected to the school community. I'm also curious if there are ways that you feel like your family could have benefited from a program like ParentCorps?

Farzana: Absolutely. I feel like, yes, my mom really benefited from the community, but I don't know if it was as deep as ParentCorps gets. In the Parenting Program there's a lot of vulnerability, and there's a lot of support. There's a lot of connection beyond “you and I have children in this class.” It's like, “you're experiencing these things and I've experienced it, too. I have an older kid who also went through this. Let me tell you what worked for me.” Trying strategies together. I don't think my mom was talking about parenting strategies with these ladies. They were probably talking about cooking recipes. Things that connected them, but not struggles.

“In the Parenting Program there's a lot of vulnerability, and there's a lot of support. There's a lot of connection beyond “‘you and I have children in this class.”’ It's like, “‘you're experiencing these things and I've experienced it, too. I have an older kid who also went through this. Let me tell you what worked for me.”’ Trying strategies together. I don't think my mom was talking about parenting strategies with these ladies.” 

Clarissa: Because that's a different level of vulnerability.

Farzana: Yeah, intimacy and vulnerability and the safe space. I'm sure ESL class was a safe space to some extent, but they're not there crying. I've been to so many Parenting Programs where at least one caregiver is crying or I'm crying. It's very different. 

Clarissa: So, you're pregnant. How has your work here or in past places influenced how you're thinking about and approaching this new life stage?

Farzana: I feel really privileged that I get to work with so many people who are so knowledgeable about mental health and early childhood. They're really kind and really understanding. Thinking through a lot of the questions that we ask in the Parenting Program that are reflective questions have helped me reflect and reconcile with my own upbringing and think about how my parents did things and how I want to do things – when I've talked about this with my colleagues, like I've never felt more validated in any other workplace.

So I think one of my goals as a soon-to-be parent is to really take care of myself well. And I feel like if I can do that, then I can take care of my family well. I want to model kindness and understanding and grace and give my children the validation I didn't get growing up.

“So I think one of my goals as a soon-to-be parent is to really take care of myself well. And I feel like if I can do that, then I can take care of my family well.”

I talked about this with a bunch of my friends, how a lot of our parents, they were tasked with survival. They really were just trying to make it. They had to assimilate and adjust to a culture that's very different than the one that they grew up in, and they did the best with what they had. And now I'm not in survival mode. I'm very privileged. I'm not working class. I don't have to think three times before taking my family out to eat. I don't have to budget so much in my head and do cost-benefit analysis because I have that financial privilege. I was able to go to school. I think my parents are very proud of that, and it also weighs heavily because now we're tasked with self-actualization, which is a whole different thing.

The other thing is, people are talking about generational wealth. And generational wealth, you automatically assume the wealth is something that's financial and tangible. But you being in good health – mentally, physically healthy and being able to be present and not chronically stressed – is wealth for your children. I don't think my parents saw it that way – I still don't think they see it that way, but I do. And it's something that I really hold. 

Clarissa Donnelly-DeRoven is the Communications Specialist at ParentCorps.